Conversations With Small Children

From the mouths of babes…

Rerun: Season 5, Episode 6.7- Clean Blood

On this episode of Conversations With Small Children…

The small children and their mother are on their way to an appointment with the small children’s pediatrician. School is about to start and the children are in need of shots to begin their schooling.

On the way to the doctor’s office, mother stops at the local bakery to get everyone a bit of lunch.  Sandwich orders are placed. Beverages chosen from shiny glass cases and the little family, minus father, goes to sit down at a table.

As they wait for the sandwiches to be finished the small children make various inquiries about the room, the furniture, the lights, the state of the economy, the time of day and eight hundred other things their growing little minds can come up with until the second of the small children notices the bottle of iced tea on the table.

“Mommy, what does that say,” inquires the small child.

“Oh you mean this little spikey bubble with letters on the bottle? That says the tea contains Antioxidants.” replies the mother.

“What are those?” asks the small child.

“Well, why don’t you ask the doctor when we see him in a few minutes? I bet he will be able to tell you what they are.” the mother says.

“Ok, can I have a drink of it anyway, even if I don’t know what they are yet?” the small child asks.

As the sandwiches arrive at the table, the mother allows the small child to have a few sips of the iced tea and the conversation is put on hold.

An hour or so later after a short waiting period at the doctors office and a quick visit with the nurse practitioner the small children have been patiently waiting for the doctor to arrive. When the doctor finally comes in he barely sits down before the small children can take the suspense no longer.

“What are antioxidants?!?”, blurt the two small children.

“Well…” begins the astonished doctor, who is trying to formulate an answer that will be acceptable to small ones, “Antioxidants are like little scrubbers that clean your blood.”

The small child who had consumed the tea grins from ear to ear. The other small child sits with a quizzical look on her face and then says…

“My blood is really clean then because I just had a sip of tea… her blood isn’t clean at all because she just had Chocolate milk!”

Season 8: Episode 5.15- Reasons The Vet Is On Speed Dial

This week on, Conversations With Small Children…

One of the two family cats is at the veterinarian’s office in the midst of an exploratory laparotomy following renal failure after consuming five pork juice soaked strings from the garbage can. Back at home we find mother beside herself with worry for the wretched little garbage eater and attempting to make a prune cake that was featured on a television program earlier in the day. Upon opening the container of prunes she discovers that over half of the can has been consumed. Knowing full well that the father wouldn’t touch the canister of prunes if he were dying of starvation and prunes were his only option, she turns her attention to the two small children sitting quietly in the living room.

“Do you know what happened to the canister of prunes?”, she inquires of the first small child.

“No, I didn’t touch them.” The first small child replies.

“What about you?,” mother asks the second small child, “Do you know what happened to the canister of prunes?”

“Yes,” says the small child, “I ate them.”

The mother stares at the child with wide and searching eyes, “You mean to tell me that you ate over half of a canister of prunes?”

“Well, not exactly,” begins the second of the small children, “I ate two or three of them.”

“Then what, pray tell, happened to the rest of the prunes?” mother says.

“I fed them to the dog,” chirped the second small child obviously amused with herself, “She likes them!”

The mother quietly excuses herself. Stifles laughter. Pushes the dog out the back door and into the yard where she is likely to do far less damage after a belly full of prunes and picks up the phone yet again to call the Vet, who by this time is calculating another large invoice for the Tiny Yellow House.

 

Season 8: Episode 3.28- We Learned It At School

Tonight on Conversations With Small Children… we find the family cuddled up in the living room watching a family movie. The father sits with one small child on the love seat and mother is curled up under a blanket scratching the back of the other small child.

The movie is a heartwarming story of a family with three children who are left with their grandparents for a few days while the father and mother go away on vacation. During the movie the grandfather, Artie, goes to watch the grandson at his baseball game. A verbal argument ensues when Artie objects to the “new” rules of baseball where everyone wins, there are no outs and no score is kept. He insists that a little boy, who has been revealed as his grandson’s bully earlier in the movie, has been struck out by the grandson. The little boy has had enough and hits the Artie squarely between the legs with a baseball bat.

Back in the living room mother, father and the small children watching the movie laugh at the comedy gold that is the crotch shot.

A little further into the movie the grandmother and mother are talking about what has just transpired on the ball field. The grandmother says something to the effect of, “That little monster hit Artie in his special area.”

At which point the small child curled up on the couch with mother says in a very nonchalant  little voice, “She could have just said penis.”

And with that mother and father stare at each other with looks of mutual terror and amusement and manage to squeak out, “WHAT?!?! Where did you learn that word?”

“At school,” said the small child, “Geez it’s not  that big of a deal.”

Copyright © 2013 TinyYellowHouse

 

Season 8: Episode 3.13- Mother Knows Better

On tonight’s episode of Conversations With Small Children we find the mother and two small children completing homework on the couch. One of the small children has been assigned twenty minutes of reading. The small child asks if it would be ok to read a magazine for her twenty minutes. The mother agrees and the small child selects a Popular Photography magazine from the pile of her parents magazines.
She thumbs through the magazine and selects an article with a photograph of an adult lion embracing a lion cub. The small child scans the article and announces that she’s done reading.
“Really,” says the mother, “What is the article about?”
“Well,” replies the small child, “It’s about a baby lion who gets lost and goes to the zoo. And in the picture the daddy lion is saying goodbye to his baby.” The mother shake her head… “That’s the plot of the movie Madagascar 2. Try reading that article again.”

Season 7: Episode 11.13- Suspected Intruders

On tonight’s episode of Conversations With Small Children….

Father is in his room icing his injured back, one of the small children is upstairs in her room playing a handheld video game and the other small child is in the living room with mother completing her homework. Suddenly, from the small children’s bedroom comes a shriek and small feet come flying down the stairs…

“MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER” yells the small child, “There’s an enormous wasp in my room!”

“How big is this supposed wasp?” inquires the mother, “Are you sure it was a wasp?”

“YES! It’s huge, it’s this big!” the small child gestures with her fingers and shows a quarter sized shape indicating the size of the offending critter. She continues “Seriously mom it dropped on my head and I ran out of there as fast as I could. I was so scared!”
The mother, sensing an opportunity to calm the situation with humor replies,

“Are you sure it wasn’t a three toed boogie snatcher? Or a Siberian Crotch Monkey? You’d be in a lot of trouble if it was a Siberian Crotch Monkey because you don’t like to wear underwear.”

 

The small child did not think this was funny and instead became rather panic stricken… “DO YOU THINK IT’S ONE OF THOSE?!?!” she squeaked.

 

” I don’t know, I won’t know until I go look at it, there aren’t any in captivity so there are only rumors that exist about what they look like. Hardly anyone has seen one.” said the mother as seriously as she could.

 

The other small child knowing full well that her mother is in fact messing with her sister pipes up and says ominously, “Yeah, and barely anyone who has seen them has lived to tell the tale… you better take a bigger shoe mommy.”

 

The mother and small children creep up the stairs to the small children’s bedroom carrying one of the father’s shoes. With a swat of the shoe the intruder is vanquished and peace is restored to the Tiny Yellow House.

 

Season 7: Episode 9.10 – Big Game Hunting

On today’s episode of Conversations With Small Children…

The two small children have just walked through the door from school. Both look exhausted as they place their backpacks on the hooks and their shoes in the closet.

Mother arrives home from work a few moments later ready to fuss at them for not putting away their things. She sees that their things are put away and that they are heading up the stairs to clean their rooms. Half way up the stairs she ask, “So what did you do at school today?”

“Nothing.” reply the small children

“Well how was lunch?” inquires the mother, “Did you like your button cookies I packed for dessert?”

“Yup!” said the second of the small children

Sensing that nothing of consequence had happened that day at school the mother allows the children to head up to their room.

The mother begins tidying up the living room when she is interrupted by the voice of a small child.

“Mom, I forgot to tell you…at recess today we played that we were animals. I was a Lion!” says the small child.

“Really. That’s very interesting.” replies the mother, “And what did you do when you were the lion?”

“Well,” begins the small child, “I chase the other animals around the playground and today I actually caught one!”

“What kind of animal did you catch today?” mother asks.

“I caught a Cantaloupe! You know, mom, one of those animals that runs really fast. She tried really hard to get away mom, but I was faster.” replied the small child.

With that the small child skipped back up to her room.

The mother smiled, knowing that her little lion would protect the family from any cantaloupes that might try to get in.

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

 

Rerun: Season 4- Episode 5.24- Logic

On this episode of Conversations With Small Children we find the small children and their mother at the mother’s part time job at a local church. The church had a garden committee that planted beautiful gardens all around the church building for the enjoyment of church members and the local community.

The mother had some work to do and as usual the small children were permitted to pick up small pretty stones to put in their pockets or to play in the churchyard while she prepared things outside for an event they would be having later that evening.

When they arrived at the church they passed through the large courtyard garden. The children immediately ran to the flowers and began picking them. The mother couldn’t believe her eyes and quickly stopped the children from picking the flowers. With all the windows around the mother of the small children was worried that the garden committee would be upset that their flowers had been picked.

She scolded the small children and said “These flowers belong to Jesus. We can’t pick them because Jesus wants them to be here for people to look at and enjoy.”

The children stopped picking the flowers, a little sad that they could no longer gather their treasures and began to play instead.

The mother began her work, glad that the flowers had been saved and that neither she, nor the small children risked getting in any trouble.

Several minutes passed and the children played quietly. The mother became so focused on her work that she didn’t check on the small children for quite some time.

When the mother finally did turn around to check on the two small children, she saw that they had their arms full of every hue of flower they could reach in the garden.

The mother was beside herself. Worried that the committee who had planted the flowers would be angry, upset that the small children had disobeyed, concerned that the destruction of the garden by the proud little demolition experts might cost her her job.

“Why did you picked the flowers? Didn’t I tell you that these flowers belong to Jesus?!?!”she asked the small children.

The small children looked up at her smiling and said,

“We asked Jesus if we could pick the flowers, and He said it was OK.”

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

Rerun: Season 5 – Episode 9.5 – Sissy is a Rat

On this episode of Conversations With Small Children we find small children in the car with their mother making yet another trip to town. The small children are now in Kindergarten and busily chattering in the back seat. The mother inquires about school. Both children agreed that is was fun. Once again they both say they didn’t learn a thing. The sun begins going down over the fields in the countryside casting shadows on the road behind the car. Between town and home one of the two small children asks, “Mommy, why are there sunsets.”

Mother decides that now would be a bad time to go into in-depth scientific analysis so she says. “God paints them for us. He paints new ones every day and none of them are the same. He does the same thing with sunrises too, because He loves us.”

The small child who had asked the question ponders this for a moment and then says, “Well then He must have painted this one just for me!”

The mother’s heart warms and she says, “Well, what about sissy? Don’t you think God painted that sunset just for her too?”

“Nope!” replies the small child.

The other small child in the backseat scowls in her booster and stares out the window in the opposite direction of her sister, her little hands clenching into fists.

“Why not?” inquires the mother, “Don’t you think God loves her too?”

After a brief hesitation, the small child said “God painted that sunset just for me because I was really good at school today. He didn’t paint it for my sister because she was naughty and got a time out!”

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

Rerun: From the Original Cast- It stuck

On this 80’s Episode of Conversations With Small Children… we find a mother and her 4 year old daughter home watching the Disney movie Pinocchio.

The small child seems befuddled by the small cricket that followed the little puppet boy around and helped him. She makes an inquiry…

“Mommy, what’s that bug?”, says the small child.

“He’s Pinocchio’s conscience.” replies the mother.

“What’s that?” asks the small child.

The mother, not quite sure what to say, replies, “It’s a little voice in your head that tells you not to do something when you’re about to do something wrong.”

And with that the small child nodded and went to play.

The mother, thinking that the explanation was beyond the understanding of the small child, assumed that the child would forget this lesson.

A few days later we find the child making a mess in the kitchen that had just been cleaned.
As the mother walks swiftly into the kitchen the small child looks up, realizes she is in DEEP yogurt and says,

“Mommy, don’t you hear that small voice in your head saying, don’t spank that little girl.”

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

Rerun- Season 6: Episode 5.5- Self Told Tales

The opening scene of this episode of Conversations With Small Children finds one of the small children still awake at 11 PM and the parents of the small children beside themselves with frustration. After being sent to bed several times the first of the small children still refuses to lie down. The conversation goes something like this-

Mother- I asked you several times to go to bed. It’s late and you’re way too tired. It’s time for bed. Let’s go.

Small Child- NO! I want a story!

M- You’re not getting a story. Go to bed.

SC- I WANT A STORY!!!!

M- You’re not getting a story it’s too late for that, you chose to play instead of get a story. Come on I’ll tuck you in.

SC- I WANT A STORY! I’M NOT GOING TO BED WITHOUT A STORY!

M- Yes you are!

SC- NO I’M NOT! I WANT A STORY!

This conversation is repeated over, and over, and over, and over for about 20 mins…

Finally…

Mother says nothing, but glances in the direction of the small child, indicating that she will not discuss the situation any further and that the small child should probably go to bed before the small child is packed into a box with tiny air holes  a snack and juice box and shipped via UPS to Abu Dhabi.

SC- FINE!

The small child stomps as loudly as she possibly can up the stairs and just when the parents think it’s safe to go back to their reading/tv/sewing/adult time the small child yells from the landing at the top of the stairs…

“ONCE UPON A TIME… THERE WERE TWO LITTLE GIRLS”

(and audible breath is heard)

“WHO HAD A REALLY… MEAN… MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!”

Dumbstruck and amused the parents of this small child stare at each other trying not to burst into fits of laughter.

“GOODNIGHT!” says the small child.

“Goodnight!” say the parents.

And with that, the small child disappears into her room. She cries a little.

Mother goes up the stairs and gives her small storyteller a kiss.

“We’ll try again tomorrow. I love you.” says the mother.

“I love you too mommy.” says the small child.

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

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