Conversations With Small Children

From the mouths of babes…

Category: Season 7

Season 7: Episode 9.10 – Big Game Hunting

On today’s episode of Conversations With Small Children…

The two small children have just walked through the door from school. Both look exhausted as they place their backpacks on the hooks and their shoes in the closet.

Mother arrives home from work a few moments later ready to fuss at them for not putting away their things. She sees that their things are put away and that they are heading up the stairs to clean their rooms. Half way up the stairs she ask, “So what did you do at school today?”

“Nothing.” reply the small children

“Well how was lunch?” inquires the mother, “Did you like your button cookies I packed for dessert?”

“Yup!” said the second of the small children

Sensing that nothing of consequence had happened that day at school the mother allows the children to head up to their room.

The mother begins tidying up the living room when she is interrupted by the voice of a small child.

“Mom, I forgot to tell you…at recess today we played that we were animals. I was a Lion!” says the small child.

“Really. That’s very interesting.” replies the mother, “And what did you do when you were the lion?”

“Well,” begins the small child, “I chase the other animals around the playground and today I actually caught one!”

“What kind of animal did you catch today?” mother asks.

“I caught a Cantaloupe! You know, mom, one of those animals that runs really fast. She tried really hard to get away mom, but I was faster.” replied the small child.

With that the small child skipped back up to her room.

The mother smiled, knowing that her little lion would protect the family from any cantaloupes that might try to get in.

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse



Rerun- Season 7: Episode 3.25- Invasion

On this episode of conversations with small children we find two little girls playing US Border Patrol. Guarding the US (our downstairs living area) from Canadian intruders (who apparently live in our kitchen!?!?) The father makes an attempt to go into the living room from the kitchen where he has just refilled his water glass.

“You can’t come in, you aren’t from Ohio” says one small child to the Canadian Invader disguised as her father.

“Yes, I am. But you aren’t. You were born in New Orleans.” replied the father of the small child.

The small child looks up from under her imaginary US Border Patrol desk and computer and says “yeah, New Orleans, Ohio”

“No,” her father says,”New Orleans, Louisiana.”

“Oh.” replies the small child…and in the seconds that followed this exchange the border between the US and Canada was compromised.

Yet again proving my theory that elementary school students would make horrible border patrol officers.

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

Rerun- Season 7: Episode 1.9 – Mammary Glands

Previously on “Conversations With Small Children.”

We return to the Tiny Yellow House and find the children upstairs in their parents room watching a documentary on baby animals.

Mother is busily folding clothes in the tiny laundry area and isn’t really paying attention to the television program in which the two small children are currently ensconced.

At some point in the program the camera zooms in on small animals being fed by their mother.  The way animals do.

This prompts questions from the small children, who by this point have strange looks of mild disgust, amazement and confusion plastered on their little faces.

Small Child #1- “Mommy… I have a question,”

Mother- “Yes dear, what is it?”

SC#1- “Mommy… how are the kittens eating?”

Mother- “Well, the mother cat has special parts, and they produce milk for the kittens to drink until they are old enough to eat solid food. They are called Mammary Glands.”

By this point the sheer volume of information being shown and told to the small children is more than slightly overwhelming for them.

Small Child #2- “Um…. did you feed us like that?”

Mother- “No, silly you don’t drink Cat’s milk. ”

SC#1 &#2- “mommmmmyyyyyy!”

Mother- “Well, I wanted to but my body wouldn’t let me. It wasn’t working right, so you were fed with a bottle. But lots of women feed their babies like that, and someday if you have babies, you will be able to feed your babies that way.”

SC#1 & #2- “EWWWW!!!! That’s disgusting!”

By now both of the small children are thoroughly grossed out. Mother goes back to her folding.

The small children are quiet for a long time.

The first of the small children pipes up…
SC#1- Mommy… did dinosaurs feed their babies that way?

Mother, folding clothes and not really paying attention to what the child has said much less processing that dinosaurs are not mammals and don’t feed their young that way… gave a quick… “Yup.. probably…” in response.

To which the child responds “That’s it I’m SO done with Dinosaurs.”

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

Season 7: Episode 6.8 – Sharing is Caring

On today’s episode of “Conversations With Small Children.” We arrive on the scene just in time for lunch.  The small children were promised a delicious and gooey offering of grilled processed cheese product. What they actually received was turkey and Swiss with a side of applesauce pouches since Mother had just cleaned the kitchen and didn’t want to dirty another pan.

Mother has forgotten in her hurried preparation of the noon day meal that both of the small children do not, in fact, like Swiss Cheese. Swiss cheese is a rather loathed item. If one were to type “Infidel Cheese” into the images section of a search engine… one might find a photograph of this yodeling (neutral in war-time) dairy product. It would also be likely that the small children had placed it there for reasons known only to themselves.

Plates received. Offending cheese discarded after a rather poignant observation by one of the small children that the cheese looked an awful lot like Sponge Bob.


   Once the Turkey and Swiss  sandwiches were fully demolished by the small children they moved on to the Applesauce pouches. 

  If one has tried these ingenious little pre-packaged Applesauce delivery devices, one knows that half of the fun of the product is blowing up the package like a balloon after the applesauce has been consumed.

One of the small children sits on the couch and proceeds to rapidly blow up and then suck the air back out of the package as many times as is humanly possible in under 30 seconds.

The small child stops for a breath as the light-headedness begins to take hold. She grabs her head. Mother says “I don’t think that’s a very good idea.” The small child turns to her and says, “Because I’ll hyperventilate, right?!” Mother shakes her head. She was unaware that anyone really listened to anything she said. She is amused.

A few moments after lunch, the small children decide it’s time for dessert. They run to the freezer where Mother has stored the Frozen Yogurt Popsicles. As these popsicles come in two colors one of the small children informs her mother that the popsicles are to be eaten in a very specific “A, B pattern”. First a red one, then a purple one, then a red one, etc.

The first small child has returned to the living room with her purple popsicle unwrapped. As she’s espousing the theories of popsicle consumption by color, her sister interrupts with the news that there is now only one popsicle left. The first small child runs back into the kitchen to assess the situation, declares that their mother must have the last popsicle (to be perfectly fair), dumps her theory on patterns and decides she wants the remaining red popsicle instead of the purple one she had originally chosen.

The first small child returns to the living room grasping both popsicles. She thrusts the purple popsicle at her mother and proudly says. “Would you like a popsicle mom, I barely licked it!”

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

Season 7: Episode 4.20 – History and too many commercials

Recently on “Conversations With Small Children”… the children are stuffed into a small rental car for a three hour drive to a movie shoot at a historic village with their mother. All is quiet in the back seat until about two and a half hours into the drive when one of the small children announces… “Mommy… When will we arrive at our destination?”. The mother giggles to herself a little. “In about a half an hour sweetie,” she says.
As they pull up to the hotel, conveniently placed directly across from a museum; both children plaster themselves to the window of the car facing the museum and scream. “MOM! LOOK!!!! HISTORY!!!!”

Mother beams with pride and says, “Yes dears, history.”

While at the movie shoot another family has their own episode of  “Conversations With Small Children”. The actors are lined up waiting for one of the many takes involving a multitude of small children paired with their mothers or grandmothers in family groups.  They wait patiently for the soldiers to march past. As they march past the actors, who have been given bunches of flowers are supposed to cheer and clap and throw the flowers at the soldiers. This is rewound and repeated a couple of times. The first few takes go very well. About 5 takes in, the flowers are trampled, everyone is hot and likely covered in ticks and the smallish natives are getting restless. A nearby family is overheard having the following conversation with their small child.

Small Child- “Grandma… will we be done soon? It’s hot”

Grandmother of Small Child- “Yes, we will be done soon. Just a few more times.”

SC- “Grandma…?”

GOSC-“Yes sweetheart?”

SC- “Grandma, there must be a lot of commercials in this movie, because we keep stopping.”

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

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