Conversations With Small Children

From the mouths of babes…

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Rerun: Season 5, Episode 6.7- Clean Blood

On this episode of Conversations With Small Children…

The small children and their mother are on their way to an appointment with the small children’s pediatrician. School is about to start and the children are in need of shots to begin their schooling.

On the way to the doctor’s office, mother stops at the local bakery to get everyone a bit of lunch.  Sandwich orders are placed. Beverages chosen from shiny glass cases and the little family, minus father, goes to sit down at a table.

As they wait for the sandwiches to be finished the small children make various inquiries about the room, the furniture, the lights, the state of the economy, the time of day and eight hundred other things their growing little minds can come up with until the second of the small children notices the bottle of iced tea on the table.

“Mommy, what does that say,” inquires the small child.

“Oh you mean this little spikey bubble with letters on the bottle? That says the tea contains Antioxidants.” replies the mother.

“What are those?” asks the small child.

“Well, why don’t you ask the doctor when we see him in a few minutes? I bet he will be able to tell you what they are.” the mother says.

“Ok, can I have a drink of it anyway, even if I don’t know what they are yet?” the small child asks.

As the sandwiches arrive at the table, the mother allows the small child to have a few sips of the iced tea and the conversation is put on hold.

An hour or so later after a short waiting period at the doctors office and a quick visit with the nurse practitioner the small children have been patiently waiting for the doctor to arrive. When the doctor finally comes in he barely sits down before the small children can take the suspense no longer.

“What are antioxidants?!?”, blurt the two small children.

“Well…” begins the astonished doctor, who is trying to formulate an answer that will be acceptable to small ones, “Antioxidants are like little scrubbers that clean your blood.”

The small child who had consumed the tea grins from ear to ear. The other small child sits with a quizzical look on her face and then says…

“My blood is really clean then because I just had a sip of tea… her blood isn’t clean at all because she just had Chocolate milk!”


Season 8: Episode 5.15- Reasons The Vet Is On Speed Dial

This week on, Conversations With Small Children…

One of the two family cats is at the veterinarian’s office in the midst of an exploratory laparotomy following renal failure after consuming five pork juice soaked strings from the garbage can. Back at home we find mother beside herself with worry for the wretched little garbage eater and attempting to make a prune cake that was featured on a television program earlier in the day. Upon opening the container of prunes she discovers that over half of the can has been consumed. Knowing full well that the father wouldn’t touch the canister of prunes if he were dying of starvation and prunes were his only option, she turns her attention to the two small children sitting quietly in the living room.

“Do you know what happened to the canister of prunes?”, she inquires of the first small child.

“No, I didn’t touch them.” The first small child replies.

“What about you?,” mother asks the second small child, “Do you know what happened to the canister of prunes?”

“Yes,” says the small child, “I ate them.”

The mother stares at the child with wide and searching eyes, “You mean to tell me that you ate over half of a canister of prunes?”

“Well, not exactly,” begins the second of the small children, “I ate two or three of them.”

“Then what, pray tell, happened to the rest of the prunes?” mother says.

“I fed them to the dog,” chirped the second small child obviously amused with herself, “She likes them!”

The mother quietly excuses herself. Stifles laughter. Pushes the dog out the back door and into the yard where she is likely to do far less damage after a belly full of prunes and picks up the phone yet again to call the Vet, who by this time is calculating another large invoice for the Tiny Yellow House.


Season 8: Episode 3.28- We Learned It At School

Tonight on Conversations With Small Children… we find the family cuddled up in the living room watching a family movie. The father sits with one small child on the love seat and mother is curled up under a blanket scratching the back of the other small child.

The movie is a heartwarming story of a family with three children who are left with their grandparents for a few days while the father and mother go away on vacation. During the movie the grandfather, Artie, goes to watch the grandson at his baseball game. A verbal argument ensues when Artie objects to the “new” rules of baseball where everyone wins, there are no outs and no score is kept. He insists that a little boy, who has been revealed as his grandson’s bully earlier in the movie, has been struck out by the grandson. The little boy has had enough and hits the Artie squarely between the legs with a baseball bat.

Back in the living room mother, father and the small children watching the movie laugh at the comedy gold that is the crotch shot.

A little further into the movie the grandmother and mother are talking about what has just transpired on the ball field. The grandmother says something to the effect of, “That little monster hit Artie in his special area.”

At which point the small child curled up on the couch with mother says in a very nonchalant  little voice, “She could have just said penis.”

And with that mother and father stare at each other with looks of mutual terror and amusement and manage to squeak out, “WHAT?!?! Where did you learn that word?”

“At school,” said the small child, “Geez it’s not  that big of a deal.”

Copyright © 2013 TinyYellowHouse


Season 8: Episode 3.13- Mother Knows Better

On tonight’s episode of Conversations With Small Children we find the mother and two small children completing homework on the couch. One of the small children has been assigned twenty minutes of reading. The small child asks if it would be ok to read a magazine for her twenty minutes. The mother agrees and the small child selects a Popular Photography magazine from the pile of her parents magazines.
She thumbs through the magazine and selects an article with a photograph of an adult lion embracing a lion cub. The small child scans the article and announces that she’s done reading.
“Really,” says the mother, “What is the article about?”
“Well,” replies the small child, “It’s about a baby lion who gets lost and goes to the zoo. And in the picture the daddy lion is saying goodbye to his baby.” The mother shake her head… “That’s the plot of the movie Madagascar 2. Try reading that article again.”

Season 7: Episode 11.13- Suspected Intruders

On tonight’s episode of Conversations With Small Children….

Father is in his room icing his injured back, one of the small children is upstairs in her room playing a handheld video game and the other small child is in the living room with mother completing her homework. Suddenly, from the small children’s bedroom comes a shriek and small feet come flying down the stairs…

“MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER” yells the small child, “There’s an enormous wasp in my room!”

“How big is this supposed wasp?” inquires the mother, “Are you sure it was a wasp?”

“YES! It’s huge, it’s this big!” the small child gestures with her fingers and shows a quarter sized shape indicating the size of the offending critter. She continues “Seriously mom it dropped on my head and I ran out of there as fast as I could. I was so scared!”
The mother, sensing an opportunity to calm the situation with humor replies,

“Are you sure it wasn’t a three toed boogie snatcher? Or a Siberian Crotch Monkey? You’d be in a lot of trouble if it was a Siberian Crotch Monkey because you don’t like to wear underwear.”


The small child did not think this was funny and instead became rather panic stricken… “DO YOU THINK IT’S ONE OF THOSE?!?!” she squeaked.


” I don’t know, I won’t know until I go look at it, there aren’t any in captivity so there are only rumors that exist about what they look like. Hardly anyone has seen one.” said the mother as seriously as she could.


The other small child knowing full well that her mother is in fact messing with her sister pipes up and says ominously, “Yeah, and barely anyone who has seen them has lived to tell the tale… you better take a bigger shoe mommy.”


The mother and small children creep up the stairs to the small children’s bedroom carrying one of the father’s shoes. With a swat of the shoe the intruder is vanquished and peace is restored to the Tiny Yellow House.


Rerun: Season 5 – Episode 9.5 – Sissy is a Rat

On this episode of Conversations With Small Children we find small children in the car with their mother making yet another trip to town. The small children are now in Kindergarten and busily chattering in the back seat. The mother inquires about school. Both children agreed that is was fun. Once again they both say they didn’t learn a thing. The sun begins going down over the fields in the countryside casting shadows on the road behind the car. Between town and home one of the two small children asks, “Mommy, why are there sunsets.”

Mother decides that now would be a bad time to go into in-depth scientific analysis so she says. “God paints them for us. He paints new ones every day and none of them are the same. He does the same thing with sunrises too, because He loves us.”

The small child who had asked the question ponders this for a moment and then says, “Well then He must have painted this one just for me!”

The mother’s heart warms and she says, “Well, what about sissy? Don’t you think God painted that sunset just for her too?”

“Nope!” replies the small child.

The other small child in the backseat scowls in her booster and stares out the window in the opposite direction of her sister, her little hands clenching into fists.

“Why not?” inquires the mother, “Don’t you think God loves her too?”

After a brief hesitation, the small child said “God painted that sunset just for me because I was really good at school today. He didn’t paint it for my sister because she was naughty and got a time out!”

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

Rerun- Season 7: Episode 1.9 – Mammary Glands

Previously on “Conversations With Small Children.”

We return to the Tiny Yellow House and find the children upstairs in their parents room watching a documentary on baby animals.

Mother is busily folding clothes in the tiny laundry area and isn’t really paying attention to the television program in which the two small children are currently ensconced.

At some point in the program the camera zooms in on small animals being fed by their mother.  The way animals do.

This prompts questions from the small children, who by this point have strange looks of mild disgust, amazement and confusion plastered on their little faces.

Small Child #1- “Mommy… I have a question,”

Mother- “Yes dear, what is it?”

SC#1- “Mommy… how are the kittens eating?”

Mother- “Well, the mother cat has special parts, and they produce milk for the kittens to drink until they are old enough to eat solid food. They are called Mammary Glands.”

By this point the sheer volume of information being shown and told to the small children is more than slightly overwhelming for them.

Small Child #2- “Um…. did you feed us like that?”

Mother- “No, silly you don’t drink Cat’s milk. ”

SC#1 &#2- “mommmmmyyyyyy!”

Mother- “Well, I wanted to but my body wouldn’t let me. It wasn’t working right, so you were fed with a bottle. But lots of women feed their babies like that, and someday if you have babies, you will be able to feed your babies that way.”

SC#1 & #2- “EWWWW!!!! That’s disgusting!”

By now both of the small children are thoroughly grossed out. Mother goes back to her folding.

The small children are quiet for a long time.

The first of the small children pipes up…
SC#1- Mommy… did dinosaurs feed their babies that way?

Mother, folding clothes and not really paying attention to what the child has said much less processing that dinosaurs are not mammals and don’t feed their young that way… gave a quick… “Yup.. probably…” in response.

To which the child responds “That’s it I’m SO done with Dinosaurs.”

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

Season 7: Special Guests- In which they get nametags

A good friend has two small girls. They occasionally come to play at our house for the day when their parents are at work. Since my two small children are twins and they look SO much alike it can cause serious problems. This leads us to a guest post…

From the good friend-

My older small child informed me today that she would like to play with your small children. She then informed me that she will be making them name tags because she can’t remember who is who. I asked if she knew how to spell their names and she said, “Nope, maybe I will just draw a crown and a dinosaur, you know mom…princess and dinosaur…you know right?”.

Who wouldn’t want a name tag from this cutie pie?

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

Season 4: Episode 4.10: Black Plague

At the end of a long day the small children are upstairs in their room. After playing 2 rounds of Candyland, reading 5 stories and singing several lullabies, they’re finally asleep. The mother barely cralws into bed. She reads her book. She turns out the light. She sleeps for about an hour. It is now 2 AM. And a crying child comes into her room. Donning her SuperMommy cape she assess the situation. Mother determines the small child is sick. Assumes second child will also become sick within… about a half hour. She cleans up the first small child, put the small child in new PJ’s, strips the sheets, remakes the bed, pats the small child’s back, rub the small child’s tummy, give a little kiss on the head (carefully avoiding any germies), helps the small child brush teeth to get yucky tastes out and put the small child back in bed.
20 mins later, same child is crying… sick again.
Repeat process.

She goes back to bed and reads because it’s only a matter of moments before she will have to do it all over again with the other small child. Sure enough… 2nd small child is sick. Repeat clean-up/wipe down/disinfection process ALL over again. 2nd small child needs bath and new PJ’s.  Mother  places towels on their pillows of the small children because it’s something her mother did when she was a small child. It made her feel better when she was sick. 2nd small child requests another story and “Twinkle Star” song. The small child whispers “Thank you mommy,” then drifts off to sleep again. And the mother thinks to herself , “No thanks are necessary young citizen, it’s all part of a days work for SuperMommy.” The mother hangs up her cape and slips back into the night. 15 mins later the 1st small child is awake again and crying. The cape is back on. Small Child 1 sick again. 2nd small child wakes up… also sick. Rough night. Mom still awake. And a new episode begins.

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

I’m not alone

Apparently I’m not the only one who has conversations with small children.

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