Conversations With Small Children

From the mouths of babes…

Rerun- Season 7: Episode 3.25- Invasion

On this episode of conversations with small children we find two little girls playing US Border Patrol. Guarding the US (our downstairs living area) from Canadian intruders (who apparently live in our kitchen!?!?) The father makes an attempt to go into the living room from the kitchen where he has just refilled his water glass.

“You can’t come in, you aren’t from Ohio” says one small child to the Canadian Invader disguised as her father.

“Yes, I am. But you aren’t. You were born in New Orleans.” replied the father of the small child.

The small child looks up from under her imaginary US Border Patrol desk and computer and says “yeah, New Orleans, Ohio”

“No,” her father says,”New Orleans, Louisiana.”

“Oh.” replies the small child…and in the seconds that followed this exchange the border between the US and Canada was compromised.

Yet again proving my theory that elementary school students would make horrible border patrol officers.

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse


Rerun- Season 7: Episode 1.9 – Mammary Glands

Previously on “Conversations With Small Children.”

We return to the Tiny Yellow House and find the children upstairs in their parents room watching a documentary on baby animals.

Mother is busily folding clothes in the tiny laundry area and isn’t really paying attention to the television program in which the two small children are currently ensconced.

At some point in the program the camera zooms in on small animals being fed by their mother.  The way animals do.

This prompts questions from the small children, who by this point have strange looks of mild disgust, amazement and confusion plastered on their little faces.

Small Child #1- “Mommy… I have a question,”

Mother- “Yes dear, what is it?”

SC#1- “Mommy… how are the kittens eating?”

Mother- “Well, the mother cat has special parts, and they produce milk for the kittens to drink until they are old enough to eat solid food. They are called Mammary Glands.”

By this point the sheer volume of information being shown and told to the small children is more than slightly overwhelming for them.

Small Child #2- “Um…. did you feed us like that?”

Mother- “No, silly you don’t drink Cat’s milk. ”

SC#1 &#2- “mommmmmyyyyyy!”

Mother- “Well, I wanted to but my body wouldn’t let me. It wasn’t working right, so you were fed with a bottle. But lots of women feed their babies like that, and someday if you have babies, you will be able to feed your babies that way.”

SC#1 & #2- “EWWWW!!!! That’s disgusting!”

By now both of the small children are thoroughly grossed out. Mother goes back to her folding.

The small children are quiet for a long time.

The first of the small children pipes up…
SC#1- Mommy… did dinosaurs feed their babies that way?

Mother, folding clothes and not really paying attention to what the child has said much less processing that dinosaurs are not mammals and don’t feed their young that way… gave a quick… “Yup.. probably…” in response.

To which the child responds “That’s it I’m SO done with Dinosaurs.”

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

Rerun, Season 6: Episode 2.15 – The Ice Cream OD

Tonight on “Conversations With Small Children”… we find ourselves at local Ice Cream parlor where the two small girls have requested a double scoop cone.The parents acquiesce remembering the small two scoop cones of their day, prior to modern super-sizing of all things food related.

We fast forward through some dialogue and arrive at the inevitable moment when the sugar rampages through the bodies of the small children and completely takes control.

At which point the older of the two children applies the partially finished cone to her forehead and declares loudly from beneath the sticky veil of chocolate that shrouds her face… “I’M A UNICORN!!!” Laughter erupts from the table and the parents look at each other in utter disbelief. While the rest of the patrons in the store try to stifle their giggling.

During the drive home the parents contemplate whether this would be an appropriate circumstance in which to call 911 and the conversation that might have followed…

“911… what’s your emergency.”

“My child has overdosed.”

“Sir… calm down… can you tell me what they have taken?”


The parents decide that this might not be taken seriously and put the idea from their minds. About 4 minutes from the house they decide that the only course of action possible is to threaten the children with immediate shipment to Abu Dhabi…


OR… a bath and a one way ticket to bed as well as being cut off from that amount of ice cream for the rest of forever.

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

Season 7: Episode 6.8 – Sharing is Caring

On today’s episode of “Conversations With Small Children.” We arrive on the scene just in time for lunch.  The small children were promised a delicious and gooey offering of grilled processed cheese product. What they actually received was turkey and Swiss with a side of applesauce pouches since Mother had just cleaned the kitchen and didn’t want to dirty another pan.

Mother has forgotten in her hurried preparation of the noon day meal that both of the small children do not, in fact, like Swiss Cheese. Swiss cheese is a rather loathed item. If one were to type “Infidel Cheese” into the images section of a search engine… one might find a photograph of this yodeling (neutral in war-time) dairy product. It would also be likely that the small children had placed it there for reasons known only to themselves.

Plates received. Offending cheese discarded after a rather poignant observation by one of the small children that the cheese looked an awful lot like Sponge Bob.


   Once the Turkey and Swiss  sandwiches were fully demolished by the small children they moved on to the Applesauce pouches. 

  If one has tried these ingenious little pre-packaged Applesauce delivery devices, one knows that half of the fun of the product is blowing up the package like a balloon after the applesauce has been consumed.

One of the small children sits on the couch and proceeds to rapidly blow up and then suck the air back out of the package as many times as is humanly possible in under 30 seconds.

The small child stops for a breath as the light-headedness begins to take hold. She grabs her head. Mother says “I don’t think that’s a very good idea.” The small child turns to her and says, “Because I’ll hyperventilate, right?!” Mother shakes her head. She was unaware that anyone really listened to anything she said. She is amused.

A few moments after lunch, the small children decide it’s time for dessert. They run to the freezer where Mother has stored the Frozen Yogurt Popsicles. As these popsicles come in two colors one of the small children informs her mother that the popsicles are to be eaten in a very specific “A, B pattern”. First a red one, then a purple one, then a red one, etc.

The first small child has returned to the living room with her purple popsicle unwrapped. As she’s espousing the theories of popsicle consumption by color, her sister interrupts with the news that there is now only one popsicle left. The first small child runs back into the kitchen to assess the situation, declares that their mother must have the last popsicle (to be perfectly fair), dumps her theory on patterns and decides she wants the remaining red popsicle instead of the purple one she had originally chosen.

The first small child returns to the living room grasping both popsicles. She thrusts the purple popsicle at her mother and proudly says. “Would you like a popsicle mom, I barely licked it!”

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

Season 7: Special Guests- In which they get nametags

A good friend has two small girls. They occasionally come to play at our house for the day when their parents are at work. Since my two small children are twins and they look SO much alike it can cause serious problems. This leads us to a guest post…

From the good friend-

My older small child informed me today that she would like to play with your small children. She then informed me that she will be making them name tags because she can’t remember who is who. I asked if she knew how to spell their names and she said, “Nope, maybe I will just draw a crown and a dinosaur, you know mom…princess and dinosaur…you know right?”.

Who wouldn’t want a name tag from this cutie pie?

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

Season 4: Episode 4.10: Black Plague

At the end of a long day the small children are upstairs in their room. After playing 2 rounds of Candyland, reading 5 stories and singing several lullabies, they’re finally asleep. The mother barely cralws into bed. She reads her book. She turns out the light. She sleeps for about an hour. It is now 2 AM. And a crying child comes into her room. Donning her SuperMommy cape she assess the situation. Mother determines the small child is sick. Assumes second child will also become sick within… about a half hour. She cleans up the first small child, put the small child in new PJ’s, strips the sheets, remakes the bed, pats the small child’s back, rub the small child’s tummy, give a little kiss on the head (carefully avoiding any germies), helps the small child brush teeth to get yucky tastes out and put the small child back in bed.
20 mins later, same child is crying… sick again.
Repeat process.

She goes back to bed and reads because it’s only a matter of moments before she will have to do it all over again with the other small child. Sure enough… 2nd small child is sick. Repeat clean-up/wipe down/disinfection process ALL over again. 2nd small child needs bath and new PJ’s.  Mother  places towels on their pillows of the small children because it’s something her mother did when she was a small child. It made her feel better when she was sick. 2nd small child requests another story and “Twinkle Star” song. The small child whispers “Thank you mommy,” then drifts off to sleep again. And the mother thinks to herself , “No thanks are necessary young citizen, it’s all part of a days work for SuperMommy.” The mother hangs up her cape and slips back into the night. 15 mins later the 1st small child is awake again and crying. The cape is back on. Small Child 1 sick again. 2nd small child wakes up… also sick. Rough night. Mom still awake. And a new episode begins.

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

Rerun: Season 5: Episode 10.17 : Fire In The Hole!

Previously…  “Conversations With Small Children”

We find the family attending the morning church service. The mother is seated in the rear of the church in her usual pew with her two small girls who are about the age of 5. The small children from every family are being gathered at the front of the sanctuary for the Message for the Children. The two pastors are standing at the front of the church between the small children and the congregation wearing their pastoral robes. A large communion table with two tall pillar candles separates the pastors from their engrossed little friends.

One of the pastors begins telling a lovely story about God’s love and relating how the church is like a big family and he spreads his arms out wide over the communion table where the candles are flickering dangerously close to the polyester sleeve of his pastoral robe. One of the small children pipes up and says “Um… you’re going to catch your robe on fire.”

The mother joins the congregation in riotous laughter and is glad that there were no object lessons on how to be on fire for God. The small children are dismissed and skip off to Sunday School.

After the service the two small children are reunited with their mother. The mother inquires what the small child would have done had the pastor caught his robe on fire. The small child looks up from her post-Sunday School cookie and lemonade and says, “I would have told him to Stop, Drop and Roll!”

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

I’m not alone

Apparently I’m not the only one who has conversations with small children.

Season 7: Episode 5.29- The Lesson

On tonight’s episode of “Conversations With Small Children”-

Dinner is commencing in the living room for family movie night. The movie being shown is Race to Witch Mountain with everyone’s favorite actor in or out of the ring, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

On the plates are scoops of Cheesy Tuna Noodle Casserole and Garden Peas. The children are engrossed in dinner and the movie simultaneously. Or so it is believed.

The father speaks up and says, “I know why you like this so much. It has the Rock in it.”

One of the two small children looks up at the father, puts her fork down and says, “No, it has Tuna in it.”

Lesson learned…

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

Season 7: Episode 4.20 – History and too many commercials

Recently on “Conversations With Small Children”… the children are stuffed into a small rental car for a three hour drive to a movie shoot at a historic village with their mother. All is quiet in the back seat until about two and a half hours into the drive when one of the small children announces… “Mommy… When will we arrive at our destination?”. The mother giggles to herself a little. “In about a half an hour sweetie,” she says.
As they pull up to the hotel, conveniently placed directly across from a museum; both children plaster themselves to the window of the car facing the museum and scream. “MOM! LOOK!!!! HISTORY!!!!”

Mother beams with pride and says, “Yes dears, history.”

While at the movie shoot another family has their own episode of  “Conversations With Small Children”. The actors are lined up waiting for one of the many takes involving a multitude of small children paired with their mothers or grandmothers in family groups.  They wait patiently for the soldiers to march past. As they march past the actors, who have been given bunches of flowers are supposed to cheer and clap and throw the flowers at the soldiers. This is rewound and repeated a couple of times. The first few takes go very well. About 5 takes in, the flowers are trampled, everyone is hot and likely covered in ticks and the smallish natives are getting restless. A nearby family is overheard having the following conversation with their small child.

Small Child- “Grandma… will we be done soon? It’s hot”

Grandmother of Small Child- “Yes, we will be done soon. Just a few more times.”

SC- “Grandma…?”

GOSC-“Yes sweetheart?”

SC- “Grandma, there must be a lot of commercials in this movie, because we keep stopping.”

Copyright © 2012 TinyYellowHouse

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